They say old habits die hard....

I'm betting the bad ones die harder. I fell off this weekend. It wasn't even that it was a holiday weekend for us; we don't really celebrate much here in my house; Thanksgiving and Christmas and that's usually it. But, July 4th is a special day to me; its my dad's birthday. He turned 56 on July 4th, and every year I am grateful to still have him around. He has been very sick for a while, now, and my sister and I feel like we are just waiting to lose him. He had a triple bypass when he was 39; about 6 years ago he pretty much dropped dead in a parking lot, was in a coma for two weeks, and the doctor's told me "don't expect him to wake up. If he does wake up, he will be brain damaged". Well, he woke up, and while his short term memory leaves something to be desired, he's still here, and he's still dad. 3 years later, he had a pacemaker/defibrillator implanted. Now, he gives us a scare about once a year or so; his latest was about 2 months ago, when he "forgot" (AKA, didn't like it) to take one of his meds. He quickly realized that just because he felt good, doesn't mean he can stop taking his meds.

Anyway, we took him out to eat for his birthday. I wanted to enjoy myself, so I slipped off the ED a bit. But it was rather... unfullfilling. Very strange; do you know how you look forward to something you can't have for a long time, and then you finally get it, and its no where near as good as your memory told you it was? Yeah, that was it, pretty much. But it was like, I couldn't believe that it just wasn't that good, so I kept trying. Uggh, I hate myself for falling off, and I hate myself even more for staying off.

So, I've pretty much stagnated for the last few days. I'm confessing now to show that I am a real person, completely human, and I mess up. I admit it; I mess up. BUT, though I may be down, I am not out. I do not intend on saying "oh well, might as well keep on screwing up". That's sillyness. Monday morning, I was back on my ED diet, and quickly lost the excess I had piled back on over the weekend. So, I start now, today, back at my "lowest" point on the scale; 182. There is no looking back with regrets; I take what I did as a learning experience; as much as it is in my memory that bread is so yummy, and chocolate is heaven, this has taught me that it is not the end of the world to be without it. I can and will survive; and also, its not the end of the world to indulge a bit. As long as you don't go on a full out gorge-fest, and then continue to "hate" yourself with food afterwards. I look forward to the next two weeks on Dax Moy's 30 in 30 plan; I'm very disappointed that I couldn't stay on it for the full 30 days, but I wanted this to be an open and honest evaluation, and I know this may prevent me from reaching my full potential on this program.